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The Big Spank Daddy
August 14th, 2002, 09:39 AM
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get
married and wish you were dead,"

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish
you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am,
I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."

The bride, upon getting engaged,went to her mother and said, "I've found a
man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until
I got married; by then it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second marriage
is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful

During a heated spat over finances the husband said,"Well, if you'd learn
to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The
wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make
love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.

The Big Spank Daddy
August 14th, 2002, 12:16 PM
SECRETS OF A GOOD MARRIAGE:

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Nebraska and mine is in Nevada.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets,and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburator. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"......I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested

afterdarkmark
August 14th, 2002, 07:32 PM
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her middle name was Always!

What do you call the insensitive part at the bottom of a Johnson?
The man!